


Incomplete

by puffnstuff08



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Angst, Death, Drama, Gen, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-23 17:06:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17687471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puffnstuff08/pseuds/puffnstuff08
Summary: The extended Backstreet Boys family is rocked by the sudden and tragic loss of one of their own, their attention quickly turns to Bradley who is descending into a downward spiral of his own when the loss of the most important person in his life is too much to bear and everyone around him tries to prevent him from becoming the next casualty





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story deals with the subject of suicide, read at your discretion

_“I pray for this heart to be unbroken  
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete”_

Boxes towered in the living room of Lizzie’s new house, some sat scattered around the room. 

“Alright” Bradley said setting a few more boxes down. 

“I think that’s it” he said “I think so” Lizzie said “here” she said handing him a drink. 

“Thanks” he said. 

“Hey, how about a quick game of poker?” she asked tapping his knee “I’ll try and go easy on you” she said as they went into the kitchen. 

“You’re on” Bradley said as the phone rang. 

"Hello" she said answering "Oh hi” she said smiling “Oh we’re just taking a quick poker break… everything alright?" she asked “Oh yeah he’s right here…Bradley honey, it’s your dad" Lizzie said handing him the phone. 

“What’s up padre?” Bradley asked. 

"Hey, I've been trying to call you is your phone off?" Brian asked. 

“No, I don’t think so” he said confused as he pulled it from his back pocket "Oh yeah, I guess my battery died” Bradley said. 

“Oh, hey look I need you to come home alright?” Brian said. 

“Oh, okay, now?” Bradley asked. 

“Yeah…it’s important” Brian said glancing behind him.

"Yeah okay, I'll be right there" Bradley said. 

“Good, I’m at your mom’s office at the hospital” Brian said “So just try to get here as soon as you can okay?” he said. 

“Yeah, okay” Bradley said confused as he hung up. 

"Everything okay?" Lizzie asked as he hung up. 

"I don't know" Bradley said to her "I got to go." 

"Oh of course, let me know what's happening" she said. 

"Bye grandma" Bradley said to her. 

"Bye sweetheart" Lizzie said as he left the house. 

"He coming?" Vicki asked as she approached Brian. 

"He's on his way" Brian said sadly. 

"How do we tell him?" she asked.

~*~

The sky had melted, orange fading into a cool blue, the moon beginning its ascend into the sky. Bradley drove a long stretch of highway, nothing but wilderness. He yawned and turned the volume of the radio up. Darkness began to creep in as he continued his drive, the moon becoming brighter, stars began to twinkle above him. The headlights of his car shone in the darkness as he approached the hospital, the tall sign lighting up the night. He slipped a quarter into the gate and continued on into the parking lot. The doors swished open as he walked past the nurses' station.

The elevator dinged as he came to Vicki's floor, he walked down a long stretch of hallway and knocking on the door to Vicki's office "Mom?" he asked. 

"Hi sweetheart" Vicki said wiping tears away and standing up from her desk. 

“Hey buddy” Brian said getting up and hugging Bradley. 

"So…what's going on?” he asked as he looked between them. 

“How about you have a seat?” Vicki asked. 

“Uh…thanks, but I’m okay just tell me what's wrong" Bradley said confused. 

"Come on" Brian said setting him in the chair. 

"Okay…" Bradley said as he reluctantly sat down. 

Vicki turned the other chair to face him and sat down and held his hand tightly “Honey…I really don’t know how to tell you this…” she said sniffling. 

“It’s about Neilson” Brian said. 

“Wh…what about Neilson, is he alright?" Bradley asked. 

“We were at the studio tonight and uh...when we got home..." Brian said as his voice broke "We found Neilson..." 

"Bradley... I'm so sorry honey…” Vicki said to him.

“Wh…” Bradley said. 

“Neilson is gone” Vicki said sadly. 

Bradley's face became blank as he stared at them disbelief "What are you talking about?" he asked “What do you mean gone?” he asked. 

“Bradley…he’s dead” Brian said to him. 

“What are you talking about dead? How?" he asked.

"Bradley..." Vicki said. 

"You don't want to know" Brian said to him. 

"You're telling me my best friend is dead, the least you can do is tell me how it happened” Bradley said irritated.

"He overdosed” Brian said.

"Wh...what?" Bradley asked confused “No, no..Neilson doesn’t do drugs” he said. 

“Honey…it was deliberate” Vicki said to him.

“You’re wrong, okay? He’s not…he’s not dead okay? He can’t be…he can’t be dead…he can’t be” Bradley said “Come on, this is Neilson we’re talking about here, he wouldn’t…he wouldn’t do that to himself, there has to be some kind of mistake” he said. 

“There’s no mistake” Brian said. 

“Oh yeah then where is he? I want to see him for myself” Bradley said. 

“Bradley…” she said “You don’t want to see him like this” Vicki said. 

“This…this is a joke, this is obviously just one of his stupid setups right? I mean he’s not…he can’t be” Bradley said nervously. 

Brian approached him slowly, shaking his head in a negative gesture “This isn’t a joke, I’m sorry Bradley…he’s gone” he said grasping Bradley’s shoulders. 

The realization finally hit him, crashing into him like a wrecking ball, shattering him “This can’t…this can’t be happening… no…no” he repeated to himself. 

“I’m so sorry honey, I’m so so sorry” Vicki said as came up behind him, putting her hands on his shoulders. 

“I can't do this, I got to go, I can't do this" he said. running from the room. 

“Bradley!” Vicki called out after him. 

“Just…give him some time by himself” Brian said to her. 

“He’s not going to be okay is he?” she asked. 

“I don’t know” Brian shaking his head, he felt his pocket vibrate, he pulled his phone out and saw the text message _“She’s here”_ it read “Sash is back” he said to Vicki.

~*~

Sasha rolled her suitcase up to her front door, a bag slung over her shoulder as she fished around for her keys, she put the key into the lock and turned it, the door opening.

A table lamp set a dim glow to the room as Nick sat on the couch “Hey, what are you doing here?” she asked. 

“You get any of my messages?” he asked sniffling. 

“Oh yeah, I was just going to call you” she said “What’s going on? You look like you’ve been crying” she said concerned. 

“We have to talk” he said whimpering “It’s about Neilson” he said. 

“What happened? Is Neilson okay? Where is he?” she asked nervously “Nick! What happened?” she asked. 

“I’m so sorry Sash” he said tearfully. 

“No” she said quietly. 

“He’s gone Sash…our boy is gone” he sobbed. 

“Why would you say something like that?” she asked horrified “He’s not…he’s okay, I know he is” he shook his head “If Neilson were…if something were wrong would know okay? I’m his mother” she said nervously. 

“Sash…he’s dead” Nick said to her, tears spilling down his cheeks. 

“Don’t say that! Don’t you ever say that to me!” she said angrily “You’re wrong okay? You’re wrong, you made a mistake” she said.

“It’s not a mistake!” he said. 

“Then where is he? I want to see him” she said. 

“No you don’t” he said. 

“I’m his mother!” she said “I have a right to see my child and that’s what I’m going to do” she said grabbing her purse and leaving the house. 

“Sash!” he called out after her.

~*~

Natalie’s mother held her closely as she cried “I’m so sorry baby, I’m so sorry” Jodi said softly as she stroked Natalie’s hair.

“First daddy, now Neilson” Natalie sobbed “Why does everyone I love keep disappearing?” she sobbed. 

Jodi held her closer and kissed her head “I don’t know honey, I don’t know” she said when the doorbell began to ring, she let Natalie go and went to the front door. 

“Hey Ms. Cappel” Bradley said to her sniffling, his face tear stained. 

Natalie turned to look at him. Their faces both crumbled in sorrow as she ran into his arms, they glommed onto each other and wept mournfully on each other’s shoulder.

~*~

“Sash you don’t want to do this” Nick said as they followed her down a hospital corridor.

“That is not Neilson in there and I will prove it to you, Vicki, open it” she said as they stood outside the morgue. 

“Sash…” Vicki said to her. 

“Vicki…please” she said desperately. 

Vicki nodded and opened the door, she charged inside. A lonely stretcher sat in the middle of the room, Sasha cautiously approached it and pulled the sheet away, revealing Neilson’s face. She finally crumbled to the floor, Nick rushed to her side and bent down to her level. 

"Why?" she in between sobs "Why?" she cried again as he held her closely “Not our boy” she wailed “Why our son?” she asked.

~*~

Bradley sat on the floor of Natalie’s living room in front of the fire place he stared off into space.

_Earlier that day, Neilson sat on the window seat, looking forlornly outside, watching a flock of birds fly from one tree to another. The sun was shining and the sky was a clear blue, Neilson held back the tears that were fighting their way out._

_“Hey” Bradley said coming into the room._

_“Hey, what’s up?” Neilson asked sullenly._

_“I’m going to help my grandma move her stuff in, want to come?” Bradley asked._

_“Uh…no, thanks though” Neilson said._

_“You okay?” Bradley asked._

_“Yeah, why?” Neilson asked._

_“I don’t know you haven’t seemed like yourself lately” Bradley said sitting in a desk chair “Something wrong?” he asked._

_“No…just something personal, you can’t really help me with this anyways” Neilson said._

_“I can try” Bradley said shrugging._

_“No, I’ll be alright” Neilson said smiling sadly._

_“Sure you don’t want to come? We can really use the extra help” Bradley said._

_“Uh…no, I have something I have to do” Neilson said sadly._

_“Alright, I’ll be back later tonight maybe we can do something then” Bradley said._

_“Yeah…sure” Neilson said smiling sadly._

_“Later” Bradley said leaving the room._

_“Goodbye Bradley” Neilson said as tears formed in his eyes._

Natalie sat down next to him. 

“Why'd he have to go and do this to himself?" he whimpered. 

"I don't know" Natalie said whimpering "I can't believe he couldn't realize how much we loved him" she said. 

The doorbell rang, Natalie stood up and opened the door to see Kyle, Harry, and Adam standing there “Hey” she said sniffling. 

“Hey” Kyle said hugging her “I’m so sorry Nat” he said tearfully. 

“Me too” she said sniffling once more. 

“Hey” Kyle said to Bradley. 

Bradley’s eyes shifted upwards “What are you doing here?” he asked. 

“Nat called, told me you were here” he said “We thought you could use a few more friends” he said. 

“I don’t get it…I leave for a few hours, I come back and all of a sudden my best friend is dead?” Bradley asked "What happened?" he asked Kyle “Do you know?” he asked, 

Kyle shook his head “No uh…Adam and I were at Gavin’s and…Harry was at the library” he said “And uh…when we pulled up the paramedics and stuff were here but…” he said shaking his head in a negative gesture “Bradley it was too late he was already gone” Kyle said, his voice warbling, tears trickled down Harry and Adam’s cheeks.

“I knew there was something…” Bradley said as tears began to form in his eyes “There was something off about him lately” he said tearfully “He wasn’t his usual self” he said “I should’ve done something, I should’ve seen that he was hurting or something…” he said as tears fell down his cheeks “I could’ve helped him” he whined “Why didn’t I help him?” he asked weeping. 

Natalie pulled him close, pressing his head to her chest as she let him fall apart.

~*~

“He was so still” Nick said absently, Sasha looked up at him “So cold” he said “I went upstairs, looked into his room and he was just laying there” he said staring straight ahead into space “On his bed…like he had fallen asleep” he said.

_“Hello! Anyone home?!” he bellowed as he stepped into the upstairs hallway “Neilson?” he asked knocking on his door and going inside “You asleep?” he asked “Come on sleepy head, time to wake up” Neilson stayed still “Neilson...Neilson come on, get up” he said nervously his eyes finally fell on the glass of water and empty bottle on the nightstand. “Neilson! Neilson wake up! Someone get some help!”_

_Brian could hear him desperately pleading from upstairs, he quickly ran up the stairs and into Neilson’s room “What’s going on?” he asked._

_“Call 911!” Nick yelled frantically “Neilson please!” he said holding his lifeless body in his arms._

_“Yeah I need an ambulance” Brian said on the phone, he spied the empty bottle on the nightstand “There’s been a suicide attempt” he said._

_“Please! Please, Neilson just wake up for me!” Nick begged helplessly “Neilson wake up please!”._

"I kept trying to wake him up but he wouldn’t…” Nick said holding her in his arms as they held each other tightly, weeping openly. 

“Why would he do this? Why would he want to do this to himself?” Sasha asked 

“I wish I knew…I really wish I knew” Nick said, they held each other tightly.

~*~

The door to Bradley’s bedroom opened and he stepped inside tears still rolling freely down his cheeks. His eyes fell on the frame picture of him and Neilson that sat on his desk, he stood up and went to pick it up. He stared down at it before pitching it angrily across the room, he then grabbed a pillow from his bed and clutched it tightly, sobbing helplessly, wailing painfully, the kind of pain that only comes from true heartbreak. 


	2. Chapter 2

“Morning” Vicki said as Sasha walked into her living room finding a tray of food on the coffee table. 

“Morning Sash” Brian said “We brought breakfast” he said, Nick sat sullenly drinking a cup of coffee on the couch. “We weren’t sure if you guys would be hungry or not” Brian said. 

Sasha silently moved to the mantle and picked up the picture of Neilson clutching it to her chest, she then sat down next to him on the couch. 

“Is there anything we can do for you guys?” Brian asked sitting down. 

“Anything you need just name it” Vicki said sitting next to Brian. 

“An explanation would be nice” Nick said sadly before sniffling. 

"How do they do it? Parents who lose a child?” Sasha asked “How do they go on?” she asked “You have to keep on being a parent even though you don’t get to have a child anymore.” 

“Hey, you guys will always be Neilson’s parents…no matter what” Vicki said to her, Sasha sniffled and took a deep breath. 

"I was a good father right?" Nick asked tearfully. 

“Now why would you even ask that?” Brian asked. 

"Maybe if I spent more time with him or something..." 

"This is not your fault". 

"Then whose is it?" Nick asked "Our son is dead" he said “If I was such a good father how could I not see how unhappy he was?". 

“Neilson put up a really good front…no one knew” Sasha said sniffling. 

“Hey listen, we would be happy to take over the arrangements if you don’t think you’re up to it” Brian said. 

“Thanks but…as Neilson’s parents, we owe him to do it” Nick said holding Sasha’s hand. 

“I don’t know if this is a good time to bring it up but…I’m glad you guys decided on organ donation…Neilson’s going to help save a lot of lives” Vicki said softly. 

Sasha nodded “It’s fine...knowing my son is going to live on in some way is somehow comforting” she said “Does Natalie know?” she asked. 

Vicki nodded sadly “Yeah, she knows” she said. 

“Bradley?” Sasha asked sniffling. 

“Yeah…he knows” Brian said. 

“He okay?” Nick asked. 

“Not particularly" Brian said.

"He's devastated…when we told him, he didn’t believe us…I think he just needs some time to himself right now” Vicki said. 

“Did my parents call at all?” she asked. 

“Yeah, they should be here soon” Vicki said. 

“Alright well I guess that’s my cue to leave…give me a chance to go home and wash up a bit” Nick said. 

"What?” Sasha asked confused. 

“Sash, you know that the minute your dad walks through that door he’s going to start blaming me and I just…can’t do it right now” Nick said. 

“What are you talking about?” she asked. 

“Sash, he still blames me for Neilson’s existence in the first place” Nick said as she looked at him in horror “Sorry I didn’t…” 

“No, it’s fine…you’re right” she said. 

“See you guys later” Brian said as they left the house. 

"Was I a good mother?" Sasha asked as Vicki sat next to her. 

"Of course you were" Vicki said to her. 

"Then why? Why would this happen? Why would he want to hurt himself?" Sasha asked. 

"I don't know Sash…I wish I did” Vicki said smiling sadly the doorbell then rang “I’ll get it” Vicki said to her. 

“Thanks” Sasha said.

Vicki opened the door “Hi Mr. and Mrs. Miller” she said to Sasha’s parents. 

“How is she?” Kathleen asked Vicki. 

“Mom?” Sasha asked. 

“Oh honey” she said engulfing her in a tight hug “I’m so sorry baby, I’m so sorry” Kathleen said. 

“Daddy” Sasha said reaching for Craig. 

“Hi pumpkin” he said hugging her.

“I should get going” Vicki said “You going to be okay?” she asked Sasha. 

“I think so” Sasha said wiping tears away. 

“Call me if you need anything okay?” she asked, Sasha nodded. 

“Thank you Vicki” Kathleen said. 

“No problem” Vicki said as she left the house. 

“Oh honey” Kathleen sitting with Sasha on the couch, she pulled her in close and held her tightly. 

“Where are Shawn and CJ?” she asked “They’re flying out this afternoon, they should be here by tonight” Kathleen said to her. 

“Where the hell is Carter?” Craig asked angrily. 

“Daddy...” Sasha said. 

“Craig…” Kathleen said in a warning tone. 

“He just left” Sasha said “He knew that you would start jumping down his throat and he was right” she said irritated. 

“This never would’ve happened if Neilson was living with you” Craig said to him. 

“Craig!” Kathleen said “This is not the time” she said “Honey…what happened?” Kathleen asked. 

“He uh…he took an overdose of some pain medication, but nobody knows why” Sasha said sniffling. 

“Can’t imagine where he got the drugs from” Craig said in disdain. 

“Craig!” Kathleen said. 

“I’m not sorry, this is Carter’s fault, period.”

“God will you please just stop?!” Sasha said “My son…my baby…my only child is gone and the last thing I need is you attacking his father” Sasha said whimpering and then taking off down the hall. 

“What is wrong with you?” Kathleen asked him as a door slammed shut.

~*~

A dark cloud hung over the town as rain poured down, it bounced off Bradley’s bedroom window, he sat on his bed plugged his phone in to charge. a tie hung loosely around his neck as he absently pulled a black suit jacket. He looked at himself in the mirror, his face was blotchy and stained with dried tears, his eyelids were red rimmed, his blue eyes tinted with a light pink color.

"Bradley?" Brian asked coming into the room "Hey, you ready?" he asked. 

"Can you tie this for me?" Bradley asked holding up his tie. 

"Yeah sure" Brian said as Bradley stood up "You look like you haven't slept" he said. 

"I haven't" Bradley said shaking his head.

"Alright, you’re all set” Brian said as he finished tying the tie. 

“Thanks” Bradley said plopping himself down on his bed. He took a seat next to him “How do I say goodbye to him?” he asked as more tears filled his eyes. 

“Come here” Brian said softly, pulling Bradley into him, Bradley breaking down and sobbing on his shoulder. “I’m sorry buddy, I’m really sorry” he said in a whisper “Come on” he said nodding towards the door. 

He put his arm around Bradley’s shoulders and they left the room, he stopped in his tracks, spotting the broke picture on the floor, he picked it up and tapped it against his palm, he set it on the desk and left the room. 

Multiple missed calls and messages notices began to pop up on Bradley’s phone screen, one of them from Neilson.

~*~

“Craig, do you mind?” Kathleen asked holding up a necklace.

“Yep, I got it” he said hooking it for her, the door opened and CJ and Shawn stepped inside. 

“Hey” CJ said, his wife Alicia following behind him. 

“How is she?” Alicia asked. 

“She’s a mother who’s lost her child” Kathleen said. 

“God…I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of pain that is” Alicia said. 

“I hope you never do” Kathleen said to her.

“Dad…I need you to do me a favor” CJ said to Craig “Just for today, can you promise not to start anything with Nick at the funeral?” he asked. 

“CJ…” Craig said. 

“Dad, trust me, I don’t like the guy anymore than you do but…he lost his son too” CJ said. 

“Do it for Sash, dad” Shawn said to him. 

“I can’t make any promises” Craig said. 

“Well you better try” Kathleen said sternly “I’m warning you Craig…don’t even think about making a scene at our grandson’s funeral” Kathleen said as she and Alicia went down the hall. 

Sasha sat on her bed before standing up and looking into a mirror, she was dressed in black, tears ran down her face, she stepped into her shoes. 

Someone knocked on her bedroom door “Sweetheart?” Kathleen said coming into the room. 

“Alicia” Sasha said. 

“Hi honey” Alicia said hugging her tightly “I’m so sorry sweetie, I’m so sorry that this happened” Alicia said. 

“I know…me too” she said sniffling. 

“The car’s here sweetheart” Kathleen said, Sasha nodded.

“Yeah CJ and Shawn are out there trying to convince your dad not to start anything with Nick at the ceremony” she said. 

Sasha chuckled “Good to know, thanks” she said nodding. 

“You ready?” Kathleen asked. 

“Course not” Sasha said to her “Is anyone really ready for something like this?” she asked “I don’t think I’m going to be able to get through this” she said sadly, tears trickling down her face. 

“You just lean on us okay?” Kathleen said, Sasha nodded as they left the room, they came into the living room. 

“Hey sis” CJ said hugging her tightly. 

“Thanks for coming” Sasha said wiping tears away. 

“Where else would I be?” CJ asked. 

“Hey kid” Shawn said to her. 

“Hi” she said laughing as they hugged. 

“Should we go?” Craig asked. 

“Yeah, I think it’s time…time to say goodbye to my son” she said sadly.

~*~

Bradley sat among a row of empty chairs, staring at the open casket, a light shining brightly above it, dozens of floral arrangements stood around the room.

"Bradley?" Natalie asked. 

He looked up to see her standing there “Hey” he said. 

“Hey” she said sitting next to him “What’s up? How come you’re in here by yourself?” she asked. 

He shrugged “I didn’t want him to be alone” he said, his eyes still fixed on the casket. 

She nodded “Want to go up?” she asked. 

“Sure you want to?” he asked.

“Not really” she said “But I think I’ll be okay if you came with me” she said. 

“Okay” he sighed. 

She grabbed his hand and they slowly approached the coffin Neilson lied there peacefully, his hands folded on his chest. 

They took a deep breath as they looked down on him “He looks peaceful” Natalie whimpered as a tear trickled down her cheek “Hey Neilson” Natalie said sniffling “Do me a favor okay?” she asked “Whenever you get to where you’re going, find my dad” she said tearfully “Take care of each other for me okay?” she said. 

Bradley felt the wind go out of him, tears filling the brim of his eyes as. his face crumpled, tears of agony and heartbreak falling down his face she then wrapped her arms around Bradley and cried on his shoulder.

~*~

Cars pulled into the lot of the funeral home, a sea of black filed inside.

"Hey" Vicki said as she sat a picture of Neilson on an easel. 

"Hey" Brian said as he fixed his tie "Sash here yet?" he asked. 

"She and her family are on their way now...how's Nick doing?" she asked.

"As well as can be expected, he's talking with the funeral director" Brian said to her. 

"Bradley?" she asked hopefully. 

“Not any better” he said shaking his head. 

Sasha entered the funeral home, he parents trailing close behind her. 

“Hey, you’re here” Vicki said approaching her “Hi Mrs. Miller” Vicki said. 

“Hi Vicki, honey, let me take your coat” Kathleen said pulling Sasha’s coat off gently. 

"How you doing?" Vicki asked holding Sasha’s hands. 

"I just want this day to be over" she said in a hoarse voice. 

“I know” Vicki said, she looked over at the picture. 

“I can still remember the last time I saw him smile” Sasha said sadly “Heard him laugh…I’d give just about anything to hear it again” she said as Vicki hugged her. 

“You’re here” Nick said approaching her. 

“Yeah” she said as they stood and faced each other, she pulled him close and they held each other tightly. 

"Miss Miller, Mr. Carter, we're ready to begin when you are" a man said to them, they looked at each other.

“Let’s go say goodbye to our son” Sasha said as he opened the doors, he held her hand tightly as they walked in, people began to file in behind them. 

“Good morning everyone” a minister said approaching a podium “We are gathered here today to honor the memory of Neilson Frederick Carter, a young man who's life was ended too soon” Natalie reached over and held Bradley’s hand tightly, lying her head on his shoulder, he closed his eyes and took a breath. 

“I’d like to begin with a reading from the book of Wisdom.” 

_“The righteous one, though he die early, shall be at rest. For the age that is honorable comes not with the passing of time, nor can it be measured in terms of years. Rather, understanding passes for gray hair, and an unsullied life is the attainment of old age. The one who pleased God was loved, living among sinners, was transported Snatched away, lest wickedness pervert his mind or deceit beguile his soul; For the witchery of paltry things obscures what is right and the whirl of desire transforms the innocent mind. Having become perfect in a short while, he reached the fullness of a long career; for his soul was pleasing to the LORD, therefore he sped him out of the midst of wickedness. But the people saw and did not understand, nor did they take that consideration into account”_

“At this time, Neilson’s mother would like to say a few words” he said. 

Sasha took a deep breath and approached a podium “I want to thank you all for coming today…it warms my heart to see how much my son was loved…even if he didn’t realize it” Sasha said. “And I can’t thank you enough for loving him the way that you did” she said whimpering. “Kev, AJ, Howie…thank you for being an extended family…you were more than just his dad’s bandmates you were his surrogate uncles and he loved you all very much” she said.

“Kyle, Harry, Adam, Bradley…biologically Neilson was an only child but he really wasn’t…he had you all as his brothers and I can’t thank you enough for forging that kind of connection with him.”

She then looked to Bradley who sat in front of her “Bradley…I can’t find the words to describe how Neilson felt about you” she said smiling through her tears “I know for a fact that he loved you with all his heart and soul” she said whimpering “He loved you so much, thank you for being my son’s best friend, thank you for being there anytime he needed someone” he said sadly. “Thank you for being the person he could confide in, the person he trusted most, the person who knew him better than he knew himself” she said. 

“Natalie…sweet girl” she said tearfully “You were the love of Neilson’s life, you showed my son what love was and you loved him with everything you have and I can’t thank you enough for that” Sasha said before nodding and stepping away from the podium. 

“Well Neilson…I guess this is goodbye” Sasha whimpered “I can’t even begin to describe the years of joy you’ve brought into our lives, thank you for choosing us and allowing us to be your parents, it is something that we will cherish forever no matter if you’re here in person or here in spirit…we’ll always be your parents” she said looking down at him. She leaned into press her lips to his forehead “rest easy okay?” she said as the lid closed. 

“Bradley…hey, you alright?” Brian asked “I can’t do this anymore” he said “I have to get out of here” he said racing from the room.


	3. Chapter 3

Everyone gathered at the guys’ house for a small reception following the funeral. 

“Kathleen” Lizzie said approaching her with open arms. 

“Oh Lizzie” Kathleen said as they hugged. 

“He was such an amazing young man” Lizzie said. 

“He was” Kathleen said. 

“Craig” Lizzie said hugging him. 

“Thanks for coming Lizzie” Craig said hugging her. 

“Well of course” Lizzie said to him, stepping aside. 

Natalie approached Kathleen “Hi, we haven’t officially met” she said. 

“Natalie?” Kathleen asked smiling. 

“Yeah, hi” Natalie said nodding. 

“Oh honey” Kathleen said hugging Natalie tightly “I’m sorry this is the way we had to meet” she said to Natalie. 

“Me too” Natalie said to her sadly. 

Nick shook hands with the priest as Sasha’s brothers approached her “I know you guys aren’t exactly fond of me but…” he said to them.

“Hey, listen…we’re not here to jump all over you…we just want to tell you how sorry we are” CJ said to him “You were Neilson’s father, you lost him too…it’s got to be just as hard on you as it is on Sash” he said sticking his hand out. 

“Thanks” Nick said shaking his hand. 

“He was an amazing kid, you did a good job” Shawn said shaking his hand. 

“Not good enough though right?” Nick asked “Excuse me” he said leaving the room.

Kyle and Adam sat on the couch together while Harry picked his way through a plate of food. 

“You guys want any of this?” Harry asked. 

Kyle shook his head “I’m not hungry” he said. 

“Adam?” Harry asked. 

“Me either” Adam said as Harry pushed his plate away. 

“And then there were four” Harry sighed. 

“Weird to think about huh?” Kyle asked. 

“Hey guys” Natalie said approaching them. 

“Hey Nat” Kyle said standing up to hug her. 

“Thanks” she said to him “Have you guys seen where Bradley went to?” she asked “He wasn’t at the gravesite for the burial."

“He’s probably upstairs in his room" Kyle said to her. 

“Should I go check on him?” she asked. 

“I think he just wants to be alone” Kyle said to her. 

“He shouldn’t be” Natalie said. 

“Leave him alone alright?” Adam said to her “He doesn’t want to be bothered so just leave him be” he said getting up and going into the kitchen. 

Bradley sat on his bedroom floor, listening to the rain bouncing off the window, his eyes red, a lone tear rolling down his cheek, he took a large gulp of alcohol. 

There was a knock at his door "Honey?" Vicki asked from outside. 

“What?” Bradley asked sullenly, sliding the liquor bottle under his bed as the door opened, she and Brian came in and sat on the floor next to him. 

“You disappeared after the ceremony, you okay?” she asked. 

“Well…” he said clearing his throat “The most important person in my life is dead and I still don’t know why” Bradley said bitterly. 

"I'm so sorry sweetheart" Vicki said to him. 

"Why wasn't I here?" Bradley asked “I could’ve helped grandma move her stuff anytime why did it have to be then?” Bradley asked “And if I really knew Neilson as much as everyone says I did, I would’ve been able to help him…I could've done something, I could've helped him somehow" he said sadly. 

"Honey don't do this to yourself" Vicki said. 

“Bradley, this is not your fault, Neilson needed help" Brian said to him. 

"No! he needed me and I wasn't here!" Bradley said as his voice broke "Why did he do it?" Bradley asked in tears. 

"Shh..." Vicki said as she pulled him close and held him 

"I just want him back...I want my best friend back" he sobbed.

They looked at each other helplessly as they consoled Bradley while he grieved. Brian pulled Vicki close to him and they all sat in an embrace. 

Later that night, Bradley sat on the floor in the dark alone, a tear rolled down his face, he took a long swig of the alcohol and grimaced at the taste, he heard his phone buzz, he looked over and saw all the notices pop up of missed calls and messages. He pushed on the screen and saw Neilson's name pop up under his missed call list, the screen switched to his voicemails and his eyes fell on a new message left by Neilson.

~*~

Sasha sat on her bedroom floor, a large box open next to her, a book on her lap. She pulled out a fluffy green blanket and took a deep inhale.

“Sasha…honey” her mom said coming into the room. 

“Hey” she said quietly. 

“Thought you might like some tea” Kathleen said handing her a steaming mug.

“I would like it more if it turned back time” she said sadly taking it from her. 

“I know” Kathleen said softly “The baby box…haven’t seen this in a long time” she said “I remember this” Kathleen said picking up the blanket “He’d never go to sleep without it” she said. 

“Still smells like him too” Sasha said absently as she sniffled. 

The doorbell then rang “I’ll get it” Kathleen said standing up from the floor and going to the living room. 

“Hi Mrs. Miller” Vicki said. 

“Oh Vicki, hi, come on in” she said. 

“Hey” she said to Sasha. 

“Hey” Sasha said sullenly. 

“How you holding up?” Vicki asked holding her hand. 

Sasha chuckled lightly “Just barely” she said smiling tearfully “What’s up?” she asked. 

“Oh uh…well, I wanted to bring this to you” Vicki said handing her a plastic bag “It’s from the hospital… it’s Neilson’s personal affects” she said “It’s what he had on him when they brought him in” she said. 

Sasha nodded “Thanks” she said clutching it tightly to her chest. 

“Sure” Vicki said.

"How’s Bradley doing?" Sasha asked. 

“Not great” Vicki said shaking her head “We practically had to force him to go back to school today” Vicki said “He’s…he’s having a really hard time right now” she said. 

Sasha nodded “Aren’t we all” she said.

~*~

_"Good afternoon students, as you all know, this past week, we lost a member of our Hilridge High School family and our community” Principal Wexler’s voice boomed off the walls from the intercom system ”Neilson Carter, a well known student here at Hilridge, sadly passed away, we want to extend our condolences and our prayers to his friends and family.”_

Bradley sat on the school’s roof, slowly finishing off a bottle of liquor. 

_“Counselors are now on hand for anyone to speak with, if you or someone you know is feeling suicidal, please, we urge you to come forward to prevent another tragedy, thank you and have a good rest of your day” he said as the intercom turned off._

~*~

“You know the last time I talked to Neilson…I told him I loved him…and he said _‘love you too mom’_ and it just…he sounded so normal but…I could tell there was a little sadness in his voice” Sasha said "This isn't fair" she sobbed.

"I know" Vicki said pulling her close.

~*~

People stared and whispered as Bradley walked down the hallway, giving him sad sympathetic looks as he passed by.

"Hey" Natalie said to him. 

"Hey" he said sullenly. 

"How you holding up?" she asked. 

"Not great" he said. 

"Me either" she said sadly. 

“Bradley, Natalie” Principal Wexler said approaching them. 

"Principal Wexler" Natalie said to him. 

"I'm glad I ran into you both, I just want to extend my deepest condolences to you, Neilson is going to be extremely missed, I can’t imagine what you both must be feeling” he said. 

“Thanks” Bradley said. 

“Thank you Mr. Wexler” Natalie said to him. 

“The student council is proposing a memorial service, in Neilson’s honor and they would love it if you two could be involved somehow.” 

“Oh uh…we’ll let you know” she said. 

“Do whatever you want, I’m not in the mood for another funeral” Bradley said walking away. 

“He’s taking this really hard” she said to him. 

“No need to explain, I understand” he said “Natalie, I realize this is a difficult time but I also wanted to talk to you both about cleaning out Neilson's locker" he said sadly. 

"What?" Natalie asked. 

"I'm sorry I know this is sudden, it doesn't need to be done right away, whenever you feel you're ready." 

“Uh, yeah sure, whatever” she said walking away quickly. 

Bradley sat in his desk, staring forlornly out the classroom window. Everyone kept up staring and whispering about him as he pretended to ignore them.

_Neilson sat in the old tree house, a thick spiral bound notebook in his lap, he hastily scribbled something down._

_"Neilson" Bradley called out._

_"Up here" he responded._

_"How the hell did you get up here?" Bradley said sliding himself inside "What are you doing up here?" he asked sitting down._

_“I like to come here to be alone sometimes, it’s peaceful” Neilson said shrugging._

_“Really? The fact that you could fall through these boards and to your death is peaceful to you?” Bradley asked._

_Neilson smirked “Maybe it is” he said._

_“You’re insane” Bradley said._

_“Yeah tell me something I don’t know” Neilson said._

_“Hey, are you alright?” Bradley asked._

_“You ask me that a lot lately” Neilson said._

_“Well yeah you just don’t seem like yourself anymore” Bradley said to him._

_“And how’s that?” Neilson asked._

_“You know…goofy” Bradley said._

_Neilson smiled slightly “Goofy huh?” he asked chuckling “I’m fine, I promise” he said._

_“Come on Neilson, this is me here, I can tell when there’s something wrong with you” Bradley said to him._

_“Bradley, I can promise you, there’s nothing wrong okay?” Neilson said._

_“Alright” Bradley said “Well come on, we got to get to work" Bradley said tapping his knee._

_"I'll be right down" Neilson said as Bradley carefully climbed back down to the ground._

Natalie then came into the classroom and approached her desk. 

“Natalie” a girl said approaching her “I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about Neilson” she said sympathetically. 

"Thanks” Natalie said as the girl nodded and Natalie took her seat next to Bradley. “Hey” she said to him “What’s going on with you?” she asked. 

“What do you mean? I’m fine” he said. 

She got closer to him, noticing the aroma of alcohol on his breath “Have you been drinking?” she asked. 

He shrugged “Maybe” he said. 

“Bradley…Wexler asked if we would clean out Neilson’s locker” she said sadly.

Bradley turned to look at her in disbelief “He did what?” he asked angrily “Neilson’s grave hasn’t even been dug yet and they want us to clean out his locker?” Bradley asked. 

“I know, I know” Natalie said. 

"I knew I shouldn't have come back today" he said getting up from his seat. 

“Where you going?” she asked. 

“Home” he said leaving the room, people staring at him as he left.

~*~

“Hey” Bradley said coming into the house.

"Hey, what are you doing home? School's not over for another 3 hours" Brian said. 

“I just had to get out of there I couldn’t take it with everyone staring and whispering” Bradley said. "Wexler asking me and Nat to help plan some kind of memorial for Neilson and in the same breath asked if we’d clean out his locker” he sighed.

"You okay?" Brian asked. 

“I swear to god if one more person asks me that question…” Bradley said angrily “No dad, I am most definitely not okay and I don't know if I ever will be" he said as he went upstairs, his bedroom door slamming shut.

~*~

“Hey guys” Natalie said approaching Kyle and Adam their lunch table.

“Hey, have a seat” Kyle said to her. 

“Where’s Bradley?” Adam asked. 

“Uh he went home” she said sadly. 

“He okay?” Kyle asked. 

“No…he’s just having a really rough time with everything” she said. 

“Who isn’t?” Adam said. 

“Dude” Kyle said. 

“What? We lost Neilson too okay? You think Bradley’s the only one who’s allowed to grieve for him?” he said. 

“What is wrong with you?” Natalie asked. 

“Yeah that’s what I want to know too” Kyle said. 

“All I’m saying here is that the only one who should be acting like a bereaved lover is Nat, even if Bradley was Neilson’s heterosexual life partner” Adam said. 

“You guys know better than anyone else how close Neilson and Bradley were” she said “You know how important their relationship was, I can totally understand why Bradley is acting the way that he is my grief is not less or more important that his”. “And just so you know, I am devastated Neilson is gone, I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together…” she said tearfully before running away. 

“Do you just live to be a dick or what?” Kyle asked him. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to come off like that” Adam said. 

“Hey guys” Harry said sitting down. 

“Hey, where’ve you been?” Kyle asked. 

“Uh pub room, speaking of which I need to talk to Bradley and Natalie, where are they?” he asked looking around. 

“Well Bradley went home and mister sensitive here just sent Nat running away in tears” Kyle said to him. 

“Oh very nice” Harry said to Adam. 

“I didn’t mean to” Adam said. 

“What’s up?” Kyle asked him. 

“We’re running a special issue of the paper in Neilson’s memory” Harry said “I just don’t want them to feel blindsided” he said. 

“Speaking of which, I’m going to check on Nat” Kyle said getting up and leaving the cafeteria. 

“What is wrong with you?” Harry asked Adam. 

“What?” Adam asked. 

Kyle found Natalie in the hallway just standing and facing the lockers. 

He cautiously approached her “Hey” he said. 

“Mr. Wexler asked Bradley and I to clean out his locker this morning” she said to him. 

“Already?” he asked. 

She nodded “Bradley was pretty upset when I told him.” 

“I can imagine” Kyle said “Look about what Adam said…” 

“Don’t apologize I’ve become used to Adam’s special brand of sensitivity” she said to him. 

“You okay?” he asked. 

“I don’t know anymore” she said. 

He pulled her close and held her tightly “Harry’s going to walk to talk to you” he said as they parted. 

“About what?” she asked. 

“They’re running a special memorial edition of the paper for Neilson” he said. 

“Oh” she said. 

“Yeah, he said he wanted to give you a heads up before they go to press” Kyle said to her.

“Oh, yeah sure, that would be a nice way to honor him I guess” she said nodding. 

“Now the question is…how do we tell Bradley?” he asked her. 

“Kyle, he’s in such a fragile state right now, maybe Harry should tell them to just hold off until Bradley’s ready” Natalie said to him. 

“I agree…but what if he never will be?” he asked.


	4. Chapter 4

Bradley sat on the window seat, staring at his phone, his thumb hovering over the play button to Neilson’s voicemail. 

"Bradley?" Brian asked. 

Bradley rolled his eyes "What?" he asked annoyed. 

"Hey, you alright?" Brian asked coming into the room. 

"No and I wasn't alright the last ten times you came up here either" Bradley said to him. 

"Yeah well I'm your dad its my job to see if you're okay or not" Brian said sitting on the window seat across from him “Rough day huh?” he asked. 

“Neilson’s only been dead what? A couple days and they want his locker cleaned out already?” Bradley asked in disbelief. 

“I know” Brian said. 

“No dad, you really don’t know and don’t try and pretend that you do, you have no idea what this is like” Bradley said angrily.

"Bradley..." Brian said.

"Dad, please…just leave me alone” Bradley said throwing himself on his bed.

Brian sighed deeply "Fine, okay, I’ll leave you alone…for now” he said as he left the room. 

He went down to the kitchen as Vicki came in through the back door. 

"Hey" she said "What's going on?" 

Brian sighed "Principal Wexler asked Bradley and Nat to clean out Neilson's locker at school today" Vicki sighed. 

"Oh no" she said. 

“And they’re also planning some kind of memorial for him at school or something, I don’t know but it shook him up pretty bad and he came home early” he said "I don't think he's ever going to get over this" he said. 

"Okay, I have an idea but you have to promise not to get angry" she said. 

"Promise, anything to get him out of that room." 

"Okay, there's a doctor at the hospital who specializes in grief counselling. 

"Therapy?" he asked. 

"Yes" Vicki said. 

"Well normally I'd say no way but I'll go with you on this one...but getting him to actually go is something else" he said. 

"In the past seventeen years I have seen our son overcome anything" Vicki said.

"He's a tough kid" Brian said to her. 

"What if there's no coming back from this for him?" she asked, he held her hand. 

Bradley stared at the voicemail from Neilson lingering on his phone that went unheard, he clicked saved and it disappeared into a separate folder. He reached into his backpack, pulling the liquor bottle out and took a long gulp, grimacing at the foul taste, he polished off the bottle and tossed it in the trash.

~*~

A few days later, Sasha approached the door to Neilson's room, she reached out and put her hand on the knob.

"You don't have to do this now" Kathleen said coming up behind her and putting her hands on Sasha's shoulders. 

Sasha looked at her “When is the right time?” she asked. 

“Whenever you feel you’re ready” Kathleen said to her.

"I have to or I'll never do it" Sasha said sadly. 

“How about your dad and I take care of it?” she asked. 

“Yeah that’s no problem at all” Craig said. 

“I appreciate it but…this is something I have to do” Sasha said. 

“At least let us help?” Craig asked. 

“Okay” she said nodding, she pushed the door open and stepped inside, she looked over to the computer desk and saw a specter of Neilson sitting there, he looked up at her and smiled before slowly fading away. 

“Where do you want to start?” Craig asked. 

“I’m not really sure” Sasha said. 

“Okay well, how about I start taking down some of the posters and stuff off the walls?” he asked. 

“Yeah and I can start cleaning out the closet” Kathleen said as Sasha sat down on the bed. 

“This is all that’s left of him” she said sadly “Any last trace of Neilson I have is in this room” she said. "I'm sorry I think I need a minute" Sasha said tearfully as she dodged quickly from the room.

~*~

"Come in" a man answered upon hearing a knock at his office door.

"Dr. Jones" Vicki said entering the office. 

"Oh Dr. McAdams, what do I owe the pleasure?" he asked. 

"You busy?" she asked. 

"Not at all, what can I do for you?" he asked. 

"I uh...I need to ask for a personal favor" she said. 

"Okay" he said as she sat down. 

"It's about my son" she said. 

"Bradley, right?" he asked. 

"That’s him” she said. 

“He okay?” he asked. 

“No” she said “His best friend just passed away after committing suicide". 

"Oh man” he said “I think I read about that in the paper, how’s he doing?” he asked. 

“He is just absolutely devastated” Vicki said to him.

“I can imagine” he said “I take it he’s giving you some cause for concern?” he asked. 

“He’s isolating himself and seems to be shutting the world out” she said. 

“People do go through a state of depression after the loss of a loved one" he said. 

"No I know people need to grieve but this is just a whole different situation" she said.

He smiled and plucked a business card from his desk. "Well, lets see what I can do here" he said looking at his computer "I have an opening if you want him to come in." 

"Please" she said. 

"Okay...now you understand people are usually reluctant when it comes to this sort of thing so if he doesn't show up I'll completely understand" he said writing something down on a card. 

"I'll try to make sure he does" she said. 

"Here" he said handing it to her. 

"Thanks" she said taking it from him.

~*~

“Are you sure we should be doing this?” Harry asked Kyle as they approached Neilson’s locker “I mean, Wexler didn’t really ask us” he said.

“It's just his locker” Kyle said to him. 

"It can wait" Harry said. 

“Harry it has to be done" Kyle said flipping the combination lock around and pulled the door open. 

"Wait" Harry said "This isn't right we can't do this" he said. 

"Hey, what are you guys doing?” Adam asked approaching them. 

“Wexler wants Neilson’s locker cleaned out” Kyle said to him. 

“Already? Man, he wastes no time huh?” Adam asked. 

“He asked Bradley and Nat to do it” Harry said. 

“Yeah but Bradley and Nat aren’t in the position to do it right now” Kyle said to him. 

“That’s still pretty messed up though” Adam said. 

“You guys, it’s a locker, it’s not like we’re cleaning out his bedroom” Kyle said. 

"What are you doing?" Natalie asked. 

They turned to see her standing there "Nat, hey we were just..." Kyle said.

"You're cleaning out Neilson's locker?" she asked. 

"Nat..." he said as she ran away from them. 

"See?" Harry said, Kyle nodded and shut the door “We're not the ones who should do this" Harry said to him “Until Bradley J. and Nat are ready, we'll let them handle it, they were the closest to Neilson, they should do it" he said. 

“Yeah, alright, let’s go catch up with Nat” Kyle said to him.

~*~

Bradley sat on the window seat, a puff of smoke escaping from his lips and out of the open window he heard a knocking at his door “Just a sec” he said throwing the cigarette out of the window and shutting it “Yeah?” he asked.

“Hey” Vicki said coming into the room. 

“Hey” he said sitting on his bed. 

“What are you doing?" she asked sitting next to him. 

He shrugged “chilling” he said "You know you and dad don't need to keep calling each other for backup every time I get upset" he said to her. 

“Okay, fair enough, well I wanted to come and bring you this” she said handing him the picture, in a new frame. 

"Oh, you fixed it" he said. 

"Yeah, I did" she said. 

“Thanks” he said tossed it onto the foot of his bed. 

“Yeah no problem, I also came to talk to you about a counselor at the hospital I want you to see" she said. 

"You want me to see a shrink?" he asked. 

“I just think you need someone to talk to about this, someone who will be able to help you in a way your dad and I can't” Vicki said to him.

"I'm alright, okay?" he said.

“Bradley, I’m your mother…I know you’re not alright” she said to him.

“...Fine” he said reluctantly. 

"Good" she said "I love you sweetie" she said. 

"I love you too mom" he said as she left.

~*~

A cloud of cigarette smoke lingered around Bradley as he held one between his fingers, a puff of smoke escaped from his lips as he exhaled. He sat on a stool in Charlie’s bar.

“Bradley” Charlie said coming out from the back room. 

“Hey Charlie” he said downing a shot. 

“Hey uh I heard what happened to Neilson, I’m really sorry, he was a good kid” Charlie said. 

Bradley nodded “I don’t really want to talk about that right now” Bradley said. 

“What can I get you?” Charlie asked. 

“Can I get a couple dozen more of these?” he asked. 

“You got it” Charlie said. 

The bells above the door jingled Natalie then came into the bar “Here you are” she said to him. 

“Hey Nat” Charlie said. 

“Hi Charlie” she said hopping up onto a stool next to Bradley “Since when do you smoke?” she asked. 

“I’m pretty sure you’ve seen me smoking before” Bradley said to her.

“Well yeah but only once in awhile” she said. 

“Yeah well I moved up from once in awhile to a pack a day” he said putting the cigarette back in his mouth. 

“Wow” she said “I was going to ask how you’re doing but I guess that answers my question” she said.

“I’d really rather if no one asked me how I was doing for the rest of my life” he said tapping the ashes off the end of the cigarette "I've been asked that question so many times lately I don't know what to say anymore" he said. 

"Yeah I know" she said. 

“What’s up?” he asked. 

“I called the house to see if you were there, Kyle said you went out, I figured you’d come here” she said. 

“Good guess” he said. 

“Hey, have you talked to Harry at all lately?” she asked. 

“I try not to talk to Harry…I need all the sanity I have left” he said blowing another cloud of smoke from his mouth. 

“Oh” she said. 

“Why? What’s with Harry?” he asked downing a shot. 

“He told me that they’re planning on doing a special memorial issue of the school paper they’re doing in Neilson’s honor” she said. 

“Really” he said taking another shot “God this stuff should be starting to taste good by now” he said grimacing. 

“Well I told him that they shouldn’t do it until you’re ready” she said. 

“What’d you do that for?” he asked “Harry can do whatever the hell he wants, I really don’t care” Bradley said. 

“Come on, you know that’s not true” Natalie said to him. 

“Why me? Why is everyone waiting for me to do anything?” Bradley asked “What does everyone think I’m so fragile that I’m going to fall apart every time someone mentions his name? everyone is walking on eggshells trying not to bring him up, trying to act like he never existed" he said. 

"Look I know, it’s been a rough couple of weeks" Natalie said. 

“There’s the understatement of the century” he said. 

“Remember how Wexler asked us to clean out his locker?” she asked. 

“Yeah don’t remind me” Bradley said to her. 

“Well Kyle offered to do it for us” she said to him.

Bradley turned to look at her “What?” he asked. 

“I saw him and Harry in the hall and I think they were cleaning it out” she said nervously. 

Bradley chuckled “You’ve got to be kidding me” he said angrily. 

“Bradley, you know they meant well” she said as he took another shot. 

“Just leave me alone alright?” he asked. 

“No, forget it, I’m not leaving you here like this” she said. 

“Nat, please, I just want to be by myself” he said. 

“Bradley, I think you should just let Nat take you home” Charlie said to him. 

“Thank you Charlie, come on, give me your keys” she said to him. 

He rolled his eyes and reluctantly handed his car keys over. 

“Move” she said to him, he rolled his eyes and hopped off the bar stool.

~*~

Natalie carried a bouquet of white roses in her hands as she made her way through the cemetery, she came upon a large shady tree “Hey” she said approaching a headstone. “I’m back” she said picking up the dead bouquet and placing the fresh one on top. “I know, I don’t have to keep coming here every few days” she said smiling “When my dad died I think I went to his grave every hour” she said. “I hope you managed to find each other, I’ve had this fantasy forever about what it would be like if you had gotten to meet him, I just…didn’t want it to happen like this” she said sadly.

“Look I’m not actually here for me… I don’t know if you’ve been watching from wherever you are but…it’s about Bradley” she said softly “Neilson he is so lost and so broken without you… you wouldn’t even recognize him anymore” she said. “He’s spiraling out of control and…we don’t know how to help him” she said sadly “And the only person he needs right now…the only one who can get through to him is you” she said. 

“Now I know obviously there’s nothing you’re going to be able to do for him but…if there’s some kind of divine intervention or something” she said laughing to herself “Just something to help him” she said sadly. Her phone then beeped “Guess I have to go” she said putting her hand on his name etched into the stone “I’ll be back soon okay?” she asked standing up.


	5. Chapter 5

Bradley’s head pounded as he sat in class, he put his hand to his temple and grimaced in pain as his teacher droned on and on. Kyle looked at him worriedly from across the room, a rancid feeling began to surge into his throat, he quickly stood up and grabbed a pass from the teacher’s desk before racing out of the room. 

Bradley came out of the stall to see Kyle leaning against it, he rolled his eyes “What are you doing here?” he asked 

“You’re drunk” Kyle said. 

“Not anymore” Bradley said to him as he splashed water on his face. 

“Jesus Bradley” Kyle said “Coming to school hungover do you know how stupid that is?!” he asked. 

“Save me the lecture alright, I’m not in the mood” Bradley said to him. 

“What is going on with you? Why are you doing this to yourself?” Kyle asked.

“Why don’t you tell me why Nat saw you, Harry, and Adam cleaning out Neilson’s locker” Bradley said to him. 

"Calm down alright we didn't do it, we knew it wasn't our place" Kyle said. 

"Yeah you're right it's not so why would even consider it in the first place?" Bradley asked. 

"Bradley come on it's just his locker... are you every going to get over this?" Kyle asked.

"Am I ever going to get over my best friend committing suicide? no Kyle I am not going to get over that" Bradley said angrily. 

“Hey you’re not the only one who lost Neilson okay?!” Kyle said “We are all grieving.” 

“Oh really? Yeah you look really upset Kyle” Bradley said. 

“Well I am, one of my closest friends killed himself and I’m watching another slowly kill himself right in front of me” Kyle said to him. 

“Yeah well you know what I’m not Neilson alright? I’m not going to kill myself and leave everyone I love behind without a single explanation as to why and leave everyone wondering” Bradley said “Unlike some people I’m not inconsiderate enough to do something like that okay? I’m not going to lie straight to my best friend’s face and tell him that I’m fine when I know I’m going to kill myself!” he said. 

“Son of a bitch!” Bradley said throwing his fist into the bathroom’s mirror “Ahh!” he said as blood began to pour down his hand, Kyle grabbed a bunch of paper towels and stuck them on his fist, Bradley seethed in pain as Kyle put pressure on it.

~*~

Bradley sat in Mr. Wexler’s office when his parents came in.

“Bradley, what happened?” Vicki asked seeing his bandaged fist. 

“Nothing, I lashed out and punched out a mirror okay? It’s no big deal” he said. 

“Dr. McAdams, Mr. Littrell, thank you for coming” Mr. Wexler said coming into the office. 

“Look I’ll cover any damages done” Brian said. 

“Well thank you but that’s not necessary under the circumstances” he said sitting down in his chair   
“I assume this has to do with Neilson’s death.” 

“Well you know what they say about people who assume Wexie” Bradley said. 

“Hey!” Brian said sternly. 

“Look not everything I do anymore has to do with Neilson, alright?” Bradley asked irritated. 

“Have you looked into any kind of grief counselling at all?” Mr. Wexler asked, 

Bradley chuckled “Oh my god, not this again” he said. 

“Yeah don’t worry Mr. Wexler, we’re taking care of it” Vicki said to him. 

“So? what’s going to happen here? Am I suspended or what?” Bradley asked. 

“Actually I’m giving you a leave of absence” Mr. Wexler said. 

“A leave of absence?” Vicki asked “For how long?” 

“However long you need, I’ll have your teachers email you your assignments and any tests and class work.” 

“Fine, can I go now?” Bradley asked. 

“Sure” Mr. Wexler said, Bradley stood up and grabbed his bag and stormed out of his office. 

“We are so sorry about this” Vicki said to him. 

“No need to apologize, I can see Bradley’s having a tough time adjusting to life without Neilson” he said. 

“Thanks for calling us” Brian said shaking his hand 

“No problem” he said as they left the office.

~*~

“Well? What’d the doctor say?” Brian asked as Vicki and Bradley came out of a cubicle.

“No permanent damage, just superficial cuts, had to pick out some of the glass left” Vicki said about Bradley’s bandaged hand. 

“Good…what has gotten into you?” Brian asked. 

“Nothing, I’m fine” Bradley said. 

“You keep saying that but it’s pretty obvious that you’re not” Vicki said “Have you been drinking?” she asked. 

“What?” Bradley asked “No!” he said rolling his eyes. 

“Then why can I smell it on you?” she asked angrily. 

"Bradley, grieving is one thing but completely shutting yourself down like this is another, you could’ve gotten yourself kicked out of school do you realize that?!” Brian asked. 

“Can we please just go home?” Bradley asked. 

“What the hell is going on with you, I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore” Brian said. 

“Yeah? Well I guess that makes 2 of us” Bradley said turning away and walking down the hallway. 

“Bradley!” Brian said calling after him “What do we do?” he asked. 

“I don’t know” Vicki said. 

“We’re his parents we’re supposed to know how to help him” he said. 

“I know but this is something I don’t think even we can help him with” she said. 

“I better go after him, god knows where he’ll end up” he said. 

“Alright I got to get back to work here” she said. 

“I’ll call you later” he said. 

“Alright” she said as he walked down the hallway. 

Vicki wrapped her stethoscope around her neck and approached the nurse’s station, she picked up a chart and looked through it, she sighed and hid her face in her hands. 

“Vicki?” Sasha asked. 

“Sash, hey, what’s up?” she asked. 

“I was hoping you could do me a favor and just keep an eye on some things for me while I’m gone” she said. 

“Gone, where you going?” Vicki asked. 

“I’m going to go stay with my parents for a few days…with everything that’s happened I just…need some time away” she said. 

“Oh, yeah, sure, no problem” Vicki said nodding sadly.

“I also wanted to tell you that, I put some stuff aside for Bradley, just some things that I’m sure Neilson would want him to have.” 

"Oh...are you sure?" Sasha nodded "Okay" Vicki said “I’ll have him come and pick it up when he’s ready” she said. 

“Hey, you okay?” Sasha asked. 

“Not really” Vicki said tearfully. 

“What’s going on? Tell me” Sasha said. 

“No, I couldn’t you’re already going through so much right now I wouldn’t feel right” Vicki said. 

“Hey come on, it’s fine, really…what’s going on?” Sasha asked. 

“It’s Bradley” Vicki said. 

“He okay?” Sasha asked. 

“Well principal Wexler just put him on a leave of absence from school after he punched out a mirror in the bathroom” Vicki said to her. 

“Oh no” Sasha said. 

“He is so hurt and angry and depressed and the only thing…the only _person_ who can help him is gone” she said “Oh god, I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to say that” Vicki said horrified. 

“No, no, it’s okay, I understand” Sasha said to her. 

“I don’t know what to do Sash, I don’t know how to help him and I am just so afraid that he…” she said stopping herself. 

“What?” Sasha asked. 

“That he’ll end up just like Neilson” she said.

~*~

Bradley stood outside on the back porch, a cloud of cigarette smoke escaping his lips as he exhaled.

“Bradley?” Harry asked cautiously.

Bradley rolled his eyes “What do you want Harry?” he asked sighing in irritation. 

“You’re starting to smoke as much as Adam does” Harry said approaching him further. 

“That all?” Bradley asked. 

“No…uh…how’s your hand?” Harry asked. 

“It hurts like a bitch, what do you think?” Bradley asked. 

“Right…hey, I don’t know if Nat told you…about the special issue of the paper we’re running at school in Neilson’s honor?” Harry asked, Bradley glared at him “I was hoping to get your input” Harry said. 

“Do whatever you want Harry just leave me out of it” Bradley said tossing his cigarette to the ground and stomping on it. 

“Bradley…come on…” Harry said. 

“Come on what?” Bradley asked “You don’t want my input you want me to tell you that it’s okay, you don’t want input you want permission” Bradley said in disdain. “So there you go, there’s your permission Harry, do whatever you want, I don’t care but I’m not going to be a part of it” Bradley said angrily.

“Bradley this self-imposed downward spiral of yours is not going to bring Neilson back” Harry said to him. 

“Oh you know what? To hell with Neilson alright?” he said angrily “If Neilson cared about anyone but himself, he would still be alive” he said. 

“You don’t mean that” Harry said. 

“He lied to my face okay?!” Bradley said. 

“What?” Harry asked. 

“I asked him over and over if he was okay, that he didn’t seem like himself and what did he tell me? He said he was fine, he promised me that he was okay…he lied to me, he promised me that he would be fine, and what did he do?” he asked “He completely betrayed me” he said as Harry looked at him sadly, Bradley then turned and ran up the stairs.

~*~

“I don’t care if we have to drag him there kicking and screaming, he is going to see that therapist” Brian said setting a cup of coffee in front of Vicki.

“I knew Neilson’s death would be hard on him but I didn’t think it would get this bad” she said. A knock came upon the backdoor, Vicki stood up and opened it “Nat hey, come on in” she said to her. 

“I have to talk to you about Bradley, it’s really important” she said. 

“Yeah we already know what happened at school” Brian said. 

“What happened at school?” Natalie asked. 

“Mr. Wexler put him on a leave of absence” Vicki said to her. 

“Yeah he punched out a mirror in the bathroom” Brian said to her. 

Natalie sighed “He’s getting worst” she said. 

“What do you mean?” Brian asked. 

“Well for one thing he’s smoking all the time now, he’s drinking way too much…” Natalie said. 

“I knew it” Vicki said. 

“What do you mean drinking too much?” Brian asked.

“I mean drinking, everything and anything, he’s showing up to school hung over” Natalie said. 

Brian threw his arms up “Oh my god” Vicki sighed. 

“I can’t believe this” Brian said. 

“He is sinking further and further into despair” Natalie said. “We need to do something…I’ve already lost Neilson, I don’t know what I’d do if I lost Bradley too” Natalie said. 

“My son is not going anywhere, I promise” Vicki said to her. 

“So what do we do?” Natalie asked as Vicki looked at her worriedly.


	6. Chapter 6

Bradley sauntered into the back entrance of the record store, a pair of sunglasses over his sensitive eyes “Hey” he murmured to Adam. 

“Well look who decided to show up” Adam said irritated as they stood behind the sales counter. 

“Whatever” Bradley sighed, taking his glasses off. 

“How’s the hand?” Adam asked. 

“Hurts” Bradley said. 

“Yeah well that’s kinda what happens when you do something stupid like punch out a mirror” Adam said to him. 

“Don’t start with me alright?” Bradley said irritated as he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He pulled one from the pack and put it in his mouth. 

“You’re starting to smoke as much as I do” Adam said to him. 

“Got a light?” Bradley asked. 

“If you’re going to do this you need to get a better lighter” Adam said pulling one from his pocket and lighting Bradley’s cigarette. 

“Thanks” Bradley said blowing a cloud of smoke into the air. 

Adam’s phone chimed, he looked at it _“We’re ready, bring him home”_ a text message from Kyle read. 

“Oh what the hell” Adam said in faux frustration.

“What?” Bradley asked. 

“We’re being summoned back to the house” Adam said to him. 

“For what?” Bradley asked. 

“I don’t know, I guess we’ll see when we get there” Adam said. 

“Seriously?” Bradley asked. 

“Yeah, see?” Adam said quickly shoving his phone in Bradley’s face before taking it away. 

Bradley sighed in irritation “fine.”

~*~

Everyone sat around the living room, intense, pensive looks on their faces. The door opened and Adam and Bradley came inside “We’re here” Adam announced.

“The hell is this?” Bradley asked. 

“We’re here because we care about you” Natalie said standing next to his parents. 

Bradley rolled his eyes “Really? You brought me to an intervention?” Bradley asked Adam. 

“Just let them help you okay?” Adam said sullenly as he sat down. 

“Do you understand why we’re doing this?” Brian asked. 

“Not really, seems pretty pointless because I’m fine” Bradley said. 

“You’re showing up to school hungover” Kyle said. 

“You’re smoking way too much” Adam said. 

“You’re not yourself anymore, you’re pushing everyone away and shutting everyone out” Natalie said. 

“You are sinking deeper and deeper into depression and despair” Vicki said. 

“You can’t keep going on like this” Brian said “You need to talk to someone” he said. 

“Well you know I’d love to dad but the only person who can help me is dead” Bradley said sadly. 

“Neilson’s death was hard on you, we all knew it would be, but this is not the way you deal with it” Brian said “Do you really think this is what Neilson would want for you?” he asked. 

“Don’t” Bradley said “Don’t tell me what Neilson would want okay?” Bradley said angrily “Because nobody knows, certainly not me” Bradley said as tears formed in his eyes “I certainly didn’t know that he was going to kill himself, he kept that little tidbit from me” Bradley said “So much for knowing him better than anyone huh?” he asked “Because if anyone knew what he was going to do to himself, it should’ve been me right?” Bradley asked “I should’ve known, I mean that’s what everyone says, I knew Neilson better than he knew himself that’s what you guys think isn’t it?” he asked, they all looked at him sadly, a realization slowly hitting them all. 

“Well I didn’t…I didn’t know Neilson as well as you all thought I did… maybe if I did, he’d still be alive” he said. “There’s nothing any of you can say to me right now that’ll make me feel worst than I already do” he said sniffling “So thanks but I’m gonna go” Bradley said turning and leaving.

~*~

“Alright, yeah just keep looking and if you haven’t found him by then just come back” Brian said on the phone “Thanks Kyle” he said hanging up.

Nick came down the stairs with a suitcase in his hand and a bag slung over his shoulder “Hey, I didn’t think you guys would be here” he said surprised upon seeing them. 

“You going somewhere?” Brian asked seeing his bags. 

“Uh yeah…I just need to get away for a while” Nick said “Sash is going to stay with her parents for a few days so I thought it might help me to get away too” he said   
“you guys okay?” he asked. 

“We can’t find Bradley” Vicki said. 

“What do you mean?” he asked. 

“We kind of ambushed him tonight” Brian said. 

“He hasn’t been dealing with Neilson’s death very well” Vicki said. 

“Who has?” Nick asked. 

“Yeah well, he’s completely drowned himself in grief and guilt and he just seems to be getting worse” Brian said.

“Hey” Natalie said coming into the house. 

“Anything?” Vicki asked. 

“Sorry” she said shrugging. 

“Well uh…I better get going” Nick said looking at his phone. 

“Want a ride?” Brian asked. 

“No, thanks, I got a car coming” Nick said. 

“Be safe okay?” Vicki asked hugging him. 

“Will do” he said. 

“Have a good trip alright” Brian asked hugging him. 

“I’ll try” Nick said “Bye guys” he said leaving.

~*~

Bradley sat forlornly at the bar, several empty bottles around him.

Nick walked in casually and sat next to him “Okay you got two choices, I can drag you out of here kicking and screaming or you can come quietly, your decision” he said to him clasping his hands together. 

Bradley looked over at him and rolled his eyes, scoffing “Really? They sent _you_ down here?” he asked. 

“What are you doing?” Nick asked. 

“What does it look like?” Bradley asked him. 

“No I mean in general…what are you doing?” Nick asked.

“I believe they call it grieving” Bradley said to him. 

“There’s a difference between grieving and spiraling out of control…it’s pretty obvious which one this is” Nick said “We’re all grieving okay, you’re not the only one who lost Neilson you know…Bradley, he was my _son_ ” Nick said to him “You think I would just love to lose myself in a bottle?” he asked “Sure…it would be a great for a while but then I would realize that I wouldn’t be doing myself or Neilson any favors…if anything it’s a disgrace to his memory” Nick said to him. 

“Neilson was your best friend okay, I get that” he said “but he’s gone, okay? It’s hard but it’s true…Neilson is _gone_ ” he said tearfully.“Now if you can’t pull yourself together for yourself or for your family or your friends …” he said clamping his hand over Bradley’s 

“Then do it for me” Neilson said appearing before him. 

Bradley looked at him mystified. 

“Bradley?” Nick asked. 

Bradley shook his head “Yeah…sorry” he said looking closely at him. 

“Now do you want to stay and keep sinking into a black hole…or do you want me to take you home?” Nick asked him. 

Bradley nodded “Let’s go” he said.

~*~

Natalie sat on the couch with Vicki as Brian paced around the room.

“Look who I found” Brian said as he and Bradley came inside . 

“Are you okay?” Vicki asked hugging Bradley tightly. 

“Not really” he said. 

“Hey, I thought you said you were leaving town?” Brian asked. 

“This was more important, besides, Neilson would’ve wanted me to help Bradley anyway I could” Nick said. 

“I appreciate it, thanks” Brian said to him.

“No problem” Nick replied.

“So is this what this whole downward spiral is about? That you couldn’t save Neilson?” Brian asked. 

“I should’ve known” he said “If I had known…I could’ve stopped him” he said sadly “I didn’t do what I was supposed to do” he said tearfully “Like you said, I knew him better than anyone, I knew him better than he knew himself, so why didn’t I know about this?” he asked “Why?” Bradley sobbed, Nick pulled him close and held him “I should’ve been there” he cried “I let him down” he whimpered. 

“Listen to me, this is not your fault, you didn’t let Neilson down, no one could’ve known what he was going to do” Nick said to him. 

“I should’ve…” Bradley said. 

“No! There was nothing anyone could do” Nick said to him. 

“I’m so sorry” he cried “God Neilson I’m so sorry” he said sobbing.

~*~

The door to a doctor’s office opened, Bradley and his parents stepped inside.

“Sure you want to do this?” Brian asked. 

Bradley turned to them and shrugged “Do I have a choice?” he asked. 

“No” they said. 

“Bradley? Dr. Jones will see you now” a woman said coming into the waiting room. 

“We’ll be right here okay?” Vicki said “Bradley?” she asked “We love you sweetie” she said hugging him tightly. 

“I know” he said before going into the office. 

“Bradley, we finally meet” Dr. Jones said. 

“Yeah, hi” Bradley said. 

“Have a seat” he said gesturing towards the chairs in front of his desk. 

"So, I heard you recently lost a loved one" he said sitting behind his desk. 

"My best friend" Bradley said "He uh...he committed suicide" he said. 

"I'm sorry" Dr. Jones said. 

Bradley shrugged “I guess I wasn’t handling it very well” he said. 

“Oh yeah? How so?” Dr. Jones asked him. 

“Let’s just say I picked the wrong way to deal with everything” Bradley said. 

“You mean with alcohol?” Dr. Jones asked. 

“Oh yeah” Bradley said “Smoking…punching out mirrors...” he said looking at his hand. 

“Drugs?” Dr. Jones asked. 

“No it didn’t get that far, but the way I was going that was probably next” Bradley said. 

"So how long did you know him?" Dr. Jones asked. 

"Forever...I met him when I was only a couple months old" Bradley said "We grew up together, we lived together...and now he's gone." 

"You were close" Dr. Jones said. 

"Closer than brothers, on the night he uh...anyways that night I guess my phone..." Bradley said.

"Died..." Dr. Jones said. 

"Yeah...and when I plugged it into charge and I got a bunch of notifications about missed calls and stuff" Bradley said.

"Were they all from him?" Dr. Jones asked. 

"One was…he left me a voicemail" Bradley said.

"You listen to it?" Dr. Jones asked. 

"Not yet" Bradley said. 

"Why not?" Dr. Jones asked him. 

"I don't know...I want to...I just can't bring myself to" Bradley said "Besides what's the point? not like I can call him back or anything" he said sadly. 

“What are you afraid of?” Dr. Jones asked. 

“Hearing his voice…all that pain coming back, realizing I’ll never hear it again” he said. 

“Who said it has to be painful?” Dr. Jones asked   
“You should take comfort in hearing his voice…after all isn’t that something you wish you could still do?” he asked. 

“More than anything” Bradley said to him “I just don’t know if I can bring myself to push play” he said. 

“What if someone else did it for you?” he asked. 

“I don’t know” Bradley said. 

“You have your phone on you now?” he asked. 

“Yeah” Bradley said.

“Can I see it?” he asked, Bradley reluctantly pulled his phone from his pocket and entered his passcode, he then set it on the desk. Dr. Jones picked it up and went into the voicemail menu “You ready?” he asked. 

“I guess” Bradley said. 

_"You have 1 missed call"_ the answering service said. 

The message then began _"Hey Bradley it's me" Neilson said_ Bradley took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Uh look when you get home I might not be here” he said, the sadness in his voice becoming more apparent _“And I know you’re going to have all kinds of questions but I promise you, you’ll find out everything soon…I got to go...bye"_ Neilson said as he hung up. 

“What do you think he meant by that?” Dr. Jones asked. 

“I don’t know…I’m starting to question whether I really knew Neilson at all” Bradley said to him. 

“I think that’s what seems to be bothering you the most” Dr. Jones said “You seem like you prided yourself on knowing Neilson better than anyone and as it turns out you may not have” he said. 

“I guess I didn’t” Bradley said sadly. 

“Bradley…that’s okay” Dr. Jones said “You’re not a mind reader, you couldn’t have known what was going inside Neilson’s head.” 

“I should’ve” Bradley said. 

“But you didn’t…let’s look at it this way…if you had known and you were able to keep Neilson from killing himself…what makes you think he wouldn’t have tried it again some other way?” Dr. Jones asked. 

“I…I don’t know” Bradley said.


	7. Chapter 7

“Bradley, hey” Sasha said opening her door. 

“Hey, uh, my mom said you had some stuff for me or something?” he asked. 

“Oh yeah, come on in” she said letting him inside. “How’ve you been?” she asked. 

“You’re asking me that I guess it means you haven’t heard” he said. 

“No I have…but I’m asking you” she said. 

“Miserable” he said smiling. 

“Me too” she said “Your mom said you started therapy” she said. 

“Against my will” he said “I just hope wherever he is, Neilson’s not too pissed at me” he said “I didn’t exactly pick the best way to deal with his death or honor his memory” he said. 

“I think Neilson would understand” she said smiling at him “I’ll get the box of stuff for you.” 

“It’s okay, I can get it” he said. 

“It’s in his old room” she said, he nodded and walked down the hallway. 

He approached the door to Neilson’s room and put his hand on the knob, twisting it open. The door opened, boxes were stacked ontop of each other. 

“I was planning to donate some of his clothes and stuff to charity but…I just can’t bring myself to do it” she said. 

“This it?” he asked about a lone box sitting on a desk. He took off the lid and felt a tightness in his chest as he recognized the contents, he set the lid down and stared at the inside. He reached in and pulled out a stuffed penguin toy “Mr. Pengi” he said. 

“Yeah” Sasha said smiling. 

“I remember him…Neilson loved this thing” he said sniffling. 

“Are you sure you want me to take this?” he asked. 

“You don’t want it?” she asked. 

“No…I would love to keep it I just…I think it’s something you should hang onto” he said. 

“Thanks” Sasha said taking it from him “I remember when he got this, the night he was born, my dad ran down to the hospital gift shop just as it was closing and this was the first thing he saw” she said laughing. “And then after he was born, my dad put it in his little bassinet and ever since then he couldn’t go anywhere without it” she said. 

“You know when we first moved into the house, my room was completely pink” Bradley said laughing. 

“That’s right, I forgot about that” Sasha said. 

“Neilson and I were roommates for a couple weeks and one night there was this insane thunderstorm, scared us both to death so I ran across the room and climbed into his bed” he said laughing “He said Mr. Pengi will protect us” he said sniffling.“I always thought he would end up bringing it to college with him” Bradley said. 

“He probably would have” Sasha said. 

“Well, thanks for this, I really appreciate it” he said. 

“No problem, Bradley…I know you’re having a hard time right now…” Sasha said. 

“That’s an understatement” he said. 

“But if anything…Neilson would want you to take care of yourself” she said. 

“I know” he said smiling. 

“I got to go, this is part of my therapy, the whole making amends thing” he said. 

“Who’s next?” she asked.

~*~

“Hey” Bradley said as Natalie opened the door.

“Hey” she said stepping out onto her front porch “You’re sober today” she said. 

Bradley nodded “That I am” he said nodding. 

“I take it that means you’re done being stupid?” she asked. 

“About Neilson, yes” he said “In general…probably not” he said. 

She cracked a smiled “I knew that you were going to have the worst time with this” she said “but Bradley you weren’t grieving you were…” 

“I know” he said. 

“I’ve already lost Neilson…I don’t know what I would do if I lost you too” she said as they hugged. 

“I’m not going anywhere” he said to her. 

“Good” she said laughing.

“I wasn’t a very good friend to him” he said. 

“What?” she asked, handing him a glass of iced tea. 

“That’s what part of my whole downward spiral was about” 

“What are you talking about? Neilson adored you, you know that” she said. 

“Did he? All I did was call him names and boss him around, I was completely selfish and inconsiderate…he didn’t deserve that…he deserved better” Bradley said. 

“Bradley, I don’t think he would’ve called you his best friend if you were anything but” she said. 

“Isn’t this part of your therapy? Learning how to forgive yourself?” 

“Eventually…I’m easing my way into it” he said smiling “This is just part of step one” he said. 

“Oh yeah? What’s step two?” she asked.

~*~

The door to Neilson’s locker opened “You ready?” Bradley asked.

“Are you?” she asked.

“Let’s do this” he said, she pulled a garbage can over. 

“I’ll hand these in” Natalie said holding a stack of books in her arms as Bradley closed the locker “What are those?” she asked about a stack of notebooks in Bradley’s hands. 

“Journals and notebooks it looks like and of course…” 

“His sketchbook” she said looking at the plain black spiral bound book in his hands “Okay…what’s next?” she asked.

~*~

“Alright well I’ve made a few boxes here” Harry said “Donation, keep, and of course garbage” he said as they stood in Neilson’s bedroom.

“Thanks Harry, I appreciate it” Nick said patting his shoulder “Thanks you guys for helping me with this” he said. 

“No problem” Kyle said. 

“Just wish Bradley would help out” Harry said. 

“Still hard for him yet, he’ll come around when he’s ready” Nick said. 

“Hey” Bradley said coming into the room, Natalie following behind him, they all looked at him cautiously “I’m okay” he said to them “I just wanted to see if you guys needed any help” he said. 

“Sure” Harry said to him. 

“Yeah just start sorting” Nick said to him. 

“Great” Bradley said. 

Soon everything was packed up, Bradley sat on the bare mattress. 

“I guess that’s everything” Nick said putting a lid on a box. 

“I guess so” Bradley said to him. 

“How’s therapy going?” Nick asked sitting next to him. 

“Rough” Bradley said “I just feel so incomplete without Neilson here” Bradley said “And no that wasn’t a song pun” he said. 

“I didn’t think so” Nick said amused. 

“Hey do you think maybe…I can…I don’t know…talk to you some time?” Bradley asked. 

“You want to talk to me?” Nick asked.

“Sure why not? My dad seems to like talking to you for some reason” Bradley said. 

“You want me to be your backup Neilson?” Nick asked amused. 

Bradley shrugged “You mind?” 

“No, in fact I’d honored” Nick said he said patting Bradley’s knee and getting up from the bed, he then left the room. 

Bradley stood up and looked around at the empty room, he then looked behind him before leaving the room, pulling the door closed behind him.

~*~

Later that night he sat at his desk paging through Neilson’s notebooks, looking at all of Neilson’s drawings in awe, he then came across a poem.

__

And you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair  
Just 'cause you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there

If they say

Who cares if one more light goes out  
In the sky of a million stars?  
It flickers, flickers  
Who cares when someone's time runs out  
If a moment is all we are?  
Or quicker, quicker  
Who cares if one more light goes out?  
Well, I do

His phone buzzed, he reached over and picked it up and saw a text message alert from Neilson, he looked at it confused. _“Check your email”_ it read, he opened up his email account he scrolled through the endless list of emails still left unread. One caught his eye, he recognized Neilson’s email address immediately, he clicked on it. A simple message was written _“Watch this”_ followed by another link, he looked around him before plugging his headphones in and opened the link, it led to an unlisted YouTube video.

 _“Hey Bradley”_ Neilson said _“Don’t freak out okay? It’s really me”_ he said, Bradley smiled slightly. _“Do I guess if you’re watching this it means that you got my text message”_ Neilson said _“I don’t even know where to start”_ Neilson said sadly _“I’m sorry Bradley”_ he said shrugging _“I am so so sorry”_ Neilson said as a lonely tear ran down his cheek, he sniffled _“God”_ he said _“The last thing I ever wanted to do was cause anyone any pain, especially you and I know you, you’re going to blame yourself and let me be the first to tell you that this is not your fault”_ he said. 

_“But you were right, I haven’t been myself lately…I don’t even feel like myself anymore”_ Neilson said sniffling, wiping his tears away. _“I don’t know what to do anymore…I just feel like I’m being consumed by this darkness…like I’m falling into this giant black hole and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to get out of it”_ Neilson said as tears fell down his cheeks. 

_“It’s bigger than both of us…the demons inside my head Bradley…they won”_ Neilson said _“And this is the only way I know how to get rid of this pain that I have, this darkness that is swallowing me whole”_ Neilson said. Tears fell down Bradley’s cheeks _“I don’t know where I’m gonna go but…I’m going to miss you”_ Neilson said tearfully _“I am going to miss you more than anything, I love you, just remember that okay? I love you so much and I’ll always be with you alright? Maybe not right next to you…but I’m in your heart and maybe we’ll see each other again one day and when we do…I hope you can forgive me”_ Neilson said. 

_“Goodbye Bradley”_ Neilson said as the screen went black, stray tears began to trickle down Bradley’s cheeks before he closed his eyes, he took a deep breath.

~*~

Bradley and Natalie sat in his car outside the cemetery gates.

“You ready?” she asked. 

“I guess” he said as they opened the car doors and got out. 

They walked amongst the immaculately manicured lawn, trees lining a path. They finally came a large shady tree, a lone headstone underneath. 

“There he is” she said “Hey, look who I brought with me today” she said “I’ll give you a minute alone” she said. 

“Thanks” he said "Hey Neilson" Bradley said approaching the stone, he crouched down coming face to face with the marble stone, Neilson’s name in large letters etched into it. “I know I haven’t come to visit you yet but…I couldn’t bring myself to come here."

“I don’t know if you’ve been watching from wherever you are but I’ve been pretty messed up lately” he said “I’m not dealing with this too well as you can imagine, I became someone you wouldn’t even recognize” he said sadly. “I'm still trying to understand why you would do this to yourself" Bradley said as silence engulfed him, tears beginning to build up in his eyes.

“I saw the video you sent me, about how you felt like you were being sucked into a giant black hole and there was no other way out" he said as his voice broke. "But you didn't have to take the easy way out, you have so many people who love you, you had your parents and Nat but most of all you had me" he said as tears began to fall freely “I know I didn't say it a lot if ever but I did love you, so much". 

"And without you here…I don’t know…a part of me is missing” he said sniffling “But as much as I miss you and wish there was some way to bring you back…I know I can’t” he said, tears still falling down his cheeks. “I have to try and move on with my life” he said “Without _you_ , which is the last thing I ever wanted to do” he said “But I feel like I owe it to you and to myself” he said. “And I have to let you rest in peace now…which means I have to let you go” he said “So Neilson…I miss you and I love you…and this is goodbye, rest easy okay?” he said sadly, putting his hand on the headstone. 

He and Natalie hugged tightly “Say what you needed to say?” she asked. 

“Yeah” he said. 

“Good” she said “Ready to go?” she asked. 

“Yeah let’s go” he said as they walked towards the cemetery gates, he took one last look back before getting in his car and starting the engine.

~*~

Floating…through space and time, free falling through a void. A vacuum like sensation engulfed him, he could feel himself being jolted back towards earth, falling hard and fast before landing with a hard thud. The steady beeping of hospital monitors broke through the void, the sound of sustained breathing followed suit. Neilson peeled his eyes open and saw a bright white light above him, his vision finally focused when he looked ahead, his eyes darting in every direction, the realization hitting him that he was in a hospital room, out of the corner of his eye he could see a tube protruding from his mouth.

“Neilson?” a familiar voice asked, echoing in his brain, he looked up and saw Vicki’s face hovering above him in a blur “hey, you’re at the hospital, you’re going to be just fine” she said in a comforting voice before he closed his eyes once more.


	8. Chapter 8

“Neilson” another voice echoed in his brain “Sweetie, can you hear me?” it asked again, he opened his eyes once more, Sasha’s blurry face hovering above him. 

“Mom” he whispered. 

“Yeah” she said happily “It’s me, are you okay?” she asked hugging him tightly, he shook his head in a negative gesture. 

“What happened?” Neilson asked clearing his throat and coughing. 

“You don’t remember?” she asked “You took an overdose” she said. 

“What the hell were you thinking?!” Nick asked. 

“Nick, please” Sasha said to him. 

“You could be dead right now!” Nick said. 

“Nick!” Sasha said to him. 

“Where’s…where’s Bradley?” Neilson asked in a whisper. 

Bradley sat out in the waiting room anxiously biting his fingernails. 

“Bradley” Natalie called as she ran into the waiting room, he stood up as she ran into his arms “Where is he? Is he okay?” she asked. 

“I don’t know I haven’t heard anything since they brought him in” Bradley said to her.

“Why'd he go and do this to himself?" Natalie. 

"I don't know" Bradley said "I can't believe he doesn’t realize how much we love him" he said. “I knew there was something off about him lately” he said “He wasn’t his usual self” he said “I should’ve done something, I should’ve seen that he was hurting or something…” he said “I could’ve helped him” he said. 

“Bradley you saved his life tonight” Natalie said. 

“I know I just…I don’t want to think about what would’ve happened if I didn’t find him when I did” he said. 

“Bradley” Nick said waving him over. 

“I’m just so relieved you’re alright” Sasha said kissing Neilson's forehead. 

“Hey” Bradley said standing in the doorway. 

“Are you going to tell us why you did this to yourself?” Nick asked.“Do you realize what would’ve happened if Bradley hadn’t found you when he did?!” he asked. 

“ _You_ found me?” he asked Bradley.

_“Neilson, yo, you home?” Bradley asked going up the stairs and going into Neilson’s room “Dude, are you asleep?” Bradley chuckled “Come on, get up, let’s do something” he said shaking Neilson’s foot. Neilson stayed still “Neilson” Bradley said once again “Neilson come on, get up” he said nervously his eyes finally fell on the glass of water and empty bottle on the nightstand. “Neilson! Neilson wake up!” He knocked the glass over, the water spilling out onto the carpet._

_“Neilson, come on, wake up, please!” Bradley begged “Neilson wake up, come on wake up!” he pleaded “Yeah I need an ambulance, my best friend took some pills and I think he overdosed” Bradley said frantically on the phone “I don’t know how long ago he took them, I just found him unconscious!” “Just get here! Hurry!” he said throwing the phone to the floor. “Neilson…come on, stay with me here alright, please!” Bradley said cradling Neilson’s head._

“I thought you were with your grandma?” Neilson asked Bradley. 

“I was, she had her poker game tonight so I came home early” Bradley said to him.

“And you’re lucky he did, in fact you should be thanking Bradley right now” Nick said to him. 

“Hey, come on, you don’t need to do that, I just did what anybody would do” Bradley said to him. 

“Bradley, you saved his life” Nick said to him. 

“Hey” Vicki said coming into the room “How do you feel Neilson?” 

“Like I’ve been to hell and back…literally” he said. 

“Vicki, what’s his prognosis?” Sasha asked. 

“Well as you know Neilson took a very large amount of painkillers but we were able to pump his stomach and we administered a course of Narcan which is used in overdoses, you did experience a temporary lack of oxygen to your brain which caused you to black out” she said. “We’re going to keep you under suicide watch and put you on a 24 hour psych hold at which time the hospital counselor is going to come in and talk to you and maybe set up regular counselling sessions” Vicki said to them.

“Oh he will definitely be going to counselling” Nick said to her “Even if we have to make him.” 

“Nick would you stop?!” Sasha said to him. 

“Why aren’t you more upset about this?!” he asked. 

“I am upset but we have to think about Neilson right now and what he’s feeling” Sasha said to him “Now, let’s give Neilson a minute with Bradley, and we’ll go talk to the doctor” she said. 

“Fine” Nick said as they turned to leave “Hang on” he said, he approached Bradley and engulfed him in a hug “Thank you” he said “For saving him…Neilson’s lucky to have you in his life” he said before he left the room. 

“He smells funny” Bradley said. 

“Yeah you get used to it” Neilson said “You pissed at me too?” he asked. 

“More like confused” Bradley said “And a little hurt that you couldn’t tell me what was going on with you” he said. 

Neilson shrugged “I didn’t want you to worry, plus there are just some things I’d rather keep to myself” he said. 

“Come on Neilson, this is me here, since when can’t you tell me anything?” Bradley asked “You could have died tonight” Bradley said. 

“I did” Neilson said. 

“What?” Bradley asked. 

“I did die…I saw it, my funeral…my grave…everything” Neilson said. 

“It was probably the effects of the drugs or something” Bradley said to him. 

“No, it was real” Neilson said “I guess in my own way, I was trying to protect you.” 

“No, I think you were trying to push me away” Bradley said. 

“Maybe I was” Neilson said. 

“What? So it would be easier for me if you did die?” Bradley asked. 

“I know it wouldn’t have been easy for you, I saw it…you were in your own personal hell” Neilson said “You were lost and devastated and sending yourself into a downward spiral” Neilson said to him “You were just a complete mess” he said. 

“Yeah I probably would be” Bradley said “Do I really need to spell out how much you mean to me?” 

“I used to wonder sometimes” Neilson said “But seeing your grief, your heartbreak, your guilt…it breaks my heart to think that I could cause you that much pain” he said tearfully. “I’m sorry Bradley, I’m so sorry” he said. 

“It’s okay” Bradley said as they hugged, Neilson sobbing on his shoulder. “I’m sorry too” Bradley said “I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me what was going on with you” he said. 

“Don’t be, I’m the one who chose to keep it to myself when I shouldn’t have, I’m the one who lied to your face and told you I was okay when I wasn’t” Neilson said.

“I don’t know what I would do without you” Bradley said “I can’t even imagine my life without you in it” he said. 

“I can, but…I promise you’re not going to find out” Neilson said. 

“I hope I don’t” Bradley said. 

“Neilson” Natalie said as she came into the room “Oh my god” she said rushing to his side. 

“Hey” he said “I’m alright.” 

“What happened? Why would you do this to yourself?” she asked hugging him tightly. 

“You wouldn’t understand” he said “I’m alright now, I promise” he said to her. 

“Make me understand, please, did I do something wrong?” she asked. 

“No, you didn’t…no one did anything wrong, especially not you guys…it’s me, the problem is me” he said. 

The door then opened “Neilson” Vicki said, a man following behind her “This is…” 

“Dr. Jones” Neilson said. 

“Yeah, right, is it okay if he talks to you for a bit?” she asked. 

“Yeah sure” he said. 

“Nat, Bradley, you guys want to wait out here?” she asked. 

“We’ll be back alright?” Bradley asked. 

“I love you” Natalie said kissing Neilson’s forehead.

“So Neilson…you’ve had one heck of a night huh?” Dr. Jones asked taking a seat next to Neilson’s bed. 

“That’s one way of putting it” he said. 

“Scared your friends and your parents pretty badly” he said. 

“So I see” Neilson said. 

“You know what could’ve happened if your friend Bradley hadn’t found you in time?” he asked. 

“Yeah I think I do” Neilson said to him.

~*~

Neilson lied in his hospital bed, writing in a plain covered journal.

“Hey” Bradley said coming into the room, something hidden under his jacket “How’s your 24 hour psych hold going?” he asked. 

“Oh, so much fun” Neilson said closing the book and setting it beside him. 

“Surprised they don’t have you strapped down to the bed” Bradley said. 

“You’d like that wouldn’t you?” Neilson asked. 

“Oh yeah” Bradley said suggestively. 

“What’s that?” Neilson asked. 

“Oh yeah, uh, remember when I got my tonsils out?” Bradley asked. 

“Yeah so?” Neilson asked. 

“They didn’t have my favorite ice cream so you brought it to me? Well I was talking to my mom and as it turns out they don’t have your favorite either” Bradley said “so…” Bradley said taking a small pint of ice cream out from his jacket and tossing it to him. 

“Oh dude” Neilson said taking it from him “Thanks” he said happily, Bradley took his jacket off and threw it over a chair. 

Bradley sat at the opposite end of the bed as the ice cream sat on the table between them “What’s this?” Bradley asked picking up a journal. 

“Doctor Jones thinks it’d help me to write down my feelings and stuff” Neilson said “But the only thing that seems to come out is poems and drawings” he said. 

_“I don't like my mind right now, stacking up problems that are so unnecessary, Wish that I could slow things down, I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic, And I drive myself crazy, Thinking everything's about me, Yeah I drive myself crazy, 'Cause I can't escape the gravity” Bradley read. “I'm holding on, Why is everything so heavy? Holding on, To so much more than I can carry I keep dragging around what's bringing me down, If I just let go, I'd be set free, Holding on, why is everything so heavy?”_ Bradley finished reading.

“What do you think?” Neilson asked. 

“Really good” Bradley said handing the book over to Neilson “So…what else did I do in this coma dream of yours?” Bradley asked. 

“Oh dude you were pretty bad, smoking more than Adam does, drinking yourself into oblivion…” Neilson said digging a spoon into the ice cream container. 

“You really flatter yourself don’t you?” Bradley asked. 

“Oh and then you said that you felt incomplete without me” Neilson said amused.

“Oh hell no…I’d be upset obviously but I wouldn’t be quoting Backstreet” Bradley said to him as Neilson snickered. “So this whole experience…it was just a one time thing right? I mean I’m not going to have to shove my fingers down your throat again am I?” Bradley asked. 

“Not unless you’re into that sort of thing” Neilson said disgusted. 

“You know what I mean” Bradley said. 

“I’m not going anywhere…promise” Neilson said. 

"I really do care about you Neilson” Bradley said “And I know I don’t say it a lot…if ever but…I do love you.” 

Neilson smiled “I know” he said.

“Hey” Vicki said coming into the room “Well look at this, just like when you guys were little” she said. 

“What’s up mom?” Bradley asked. 

“Well I have good news, you can get dressed, you’re being sprung early” she said. 

“Seriously?” Neilson asked. 

“Yeah, Dr. Jones thinks you’re well enough to be released on your own merit” she said “Just as long as you keep up with your regular counselling sessions after school” she said. 

“Yeah, course” he said. 

“Good, I called your parents they’re on their way to get you” she said.

~*~

Neilson pulled his shirt over his head as he prepared to go home.

The door opened “Okay sweetie, you’re all checked out, ready to go?” Sasha asked. 

“Yeah, actually, I was going to give him a ride, if that’s okay” Bradley said. 

“Oh, yeah, okay, I guess I’ll see you at home” she said hugging him tightly. 

“It’s alright mom, I’m not going anywhere” he said to her. 

“You better not” she said “alright I’ll meet you back at the house” she said. 

“Okay” Neilson said as she left the room. 

“Ready?” Bradley asked. 

“Let’s go home” Neilson said. 

The sun shone brightly above them as they drove home, Neilson grabbed Bradley’s phone and began to search through his music. He scrolled through the list of songs and smiled upon picking one. 

_“…It's Amazing With the blink of an eye you finally see the light It's Amazing When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright…”_ Steven Tyler sang over the stereo.

Neilson leaned his head back and felt the sun warm on his face, the breeze blowing through his hair. 

“You okay?” Bradley said. 

“Yeah…I’m great” Neilson said smiling at him.

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> This story in no way endorses or encourages the act of suicide. 
> 
> If you or someone you know are considering committing suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255 or visit https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/


End file.
